Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
