I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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