Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
