People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
