my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
