He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
