There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
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