Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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