even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
