The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
