a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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