If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
