Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
my poor anus
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
