I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
