i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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