It's like God shit irony all over that family
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
we're so committed to being not committed
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
