I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
