ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Randomize
