I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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