I don't usually arrange sex via text message
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
