My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
