My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Randomize
