Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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