My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
