why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
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