false alarm. still invincible.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Never joke about your clitoris.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
