My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
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