I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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