either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
