you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
