I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
Soap is not a condiment
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
