I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
