yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
