And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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