we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
