I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I understand Curling. That high.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
