My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
