So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
