Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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