How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Randomize
