Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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