A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
