btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
