while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
