I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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