i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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