I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
