I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Randomize
