I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
