good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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