Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Randomize
