How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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