if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
