I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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