Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
