so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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